Rebuilding your marriage (2)

Second, you must listen to each other. This requires time, patience, and focused attention. Too many couples give each other a monologue, without leaving room for genuine dialogue. This is where marriage counseling is effective. It forces both of you to slow down, interpret your spouse’s language, understand their feelings, and discover their needs. When a marriage breaks down, couples are often so busy trying to get their own point across and win the fight that they don’t listen for solutions and places of negotiation.

Divorce would be less common if we would listen with open hearts rather than closed minds. Jesus pointed out that the law of Moses permitted divorce “because of the hardness of your hearts” (Matthew 19:8 KJV). This means their hearts would not melt to the level of understanding and place of negotiation for the relationship to work.

Some couples find it simpler to write each other letters revealing their feelings as they relearn how to communicate at a deeper level. Counselors and marriage enrichment seminars use this technique, and sometimes it works wonders. By putting your feelings down on paper before expressing them, you get to ask yourself, “Is this how I really feel? Is this how I want to express my feelings? Am I saying too much? Or too little?”

Unloading on your mate may be a catharsis for you, but what if it buries them? These are some of the questions you must ask in order to rebuild your marriage. And if you both pray and keep your hearts open, God will help you to do it.

Soul food: Josh 1; Acts 3:1-21

Rebuilding your marriage (1)

Today about 50 percent of all new marriages end in divorce. Sadly, that’s true whether you’re a Christian or not. Sometimes the reasons are circumstantial, such as a job layoff or a home foreclosure. Other times it’s relational, such as a betrayal of trust or an addiction to drugs and alcohol.

If you’re committed to rebuilding your marriage, you must learn how to reconnect and work to restore what you once had. In order to accomplish this, you must both be willing to enter into the process and commit for the long haul. For the next few days, let’s look at four key areas.

First, you must know the other person. It’s a mistake to try and figure out your spouse, put them in a box, and label them for the remainder of their lives. Knowing someone is an art in progress, not a static science with unchangeable data. You must view your mate as a mystery who requires ongoing scrutiny and lifelong learning. The Bible says, “Treat your wife [and your husband] with understanding as you live together” (1 Peter 3:7 NLT).

In order to restore your marriage, take a new look at your partner. They may not be who you assumed they were – but neither are you. So you must allow room for each of you to evolve, and resolve! And be sure to include God in the process. Jesus said that a house built on the solid foundation of God’s Word will stand strong in the storm while others around it are falling apart (See Matthew 7:24-27). So today begin the process by recommitting to God – and each other.

Soul food: Jonah 1-4; Matt 11:1-19; Ps 88:1-9a; Prov 11:24-26

You need others

Ken Blanchard said, “None of us is as smart as all of us.” As much as we would like to think that we know it all, if we’re honest, each of us is painfully aware that we have blind spots and areas of inexperience. You have had experiences others haven’t had; they have had experiences you haven’t had, and when you get together, you harness your joint experience and knowledge.

Jesus sent the seventy disciples out in groups of two. Why? (1) For support. “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.” (2) For enlightenment. Playwright Ben Jonson said, “He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.” (3) For accountability. The pastor of a megachurch introduced the man who traveled with him to his audience, saying, “I am vulnerable to temptation, and he is my safeguard.” You could have heard a pin drop in the crowd!

Sometimes you need comfort, and other times you need correction. It takes humility to acknowledge that, and emotional security to put it in place. Until you realize that others can help you live a fuller and better life than you could live on your own, you’re tying your own hands and limiting your potential. As long as your goal is to get ahead of others rather than work with them, your future will be shortchanged.

Good thinkers comprehend the power of shared thinking. They understand that when they treasure the thoughts and ideas of others, they receive the compounding results of shared thinking and achieve more than they ever could on their own. The truth is, you need others.

Soul food: Titus 1-3; Matt 10:32-42; Ps 75; Prov 11:23

What you must give up

In order to succeed, there are certain things you must give up.

(1) You can’t be friends with everybody. Jesus loved everybody but spent most of His time with twelve people mentoring them. And He spent extra time with Peter, James, and John, His inner circle. At His life’s end, He could say, “I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do” (John 17:4 NIV).

(2) You can’t do everything. Because of the fast pace of our society, people tend to multitask. But shifting from task to task can cost you up to 40 percent efficiency. According to researchers, you will get more done focusing on one task at a time, not switching constantly from one task to another. David said, “One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek.”

(3) You can’t be well rounded. Yes, there must be a balance between your private world and your public one. But it’s a myth to believe that you can know everyone, do everything, go everywhere, and have everything. You don’t need to know 99 percent of everything in life; you just need to focus on the 1 percent that gives you the highest return. If you’re too easily distracted, you need people in your life who are empowered to “call you on it” and help you get back on track. You need to know what you should and shouldn’t be bothered about.

Bottom line: In order to go higher and achieve greater things, you must be willing to lay aside certain things. Even good things (See Hebrews 12:1-3).

Soul food: Num 34-36; Matt 10:21-31; Ps 72:12-20; Prov 11:22

Lessons from a broken heart

A broken heart can’t be healed by working sixteen hours a day, sweating it out in a gym, or using mood-altering substances like alcohol and drugs. Those things may bring a temporary fix but don’t bring a lasting cure. After falling into sin and shame, David prayed, “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.” Good news: God can restore what you have lost and teach you things about yourself you didn’t know that make you a better person.

And one of the first lessons He teaches us is about forgiveness. You can’t hold the club of unforgiveness over somebody else’s head and expect to find healing yourself. Forgiveness is just a word until you extend it. Your peace of mind and confidence before God depend on your willingness to extend grace to others (See Mark 11:25).

The second lesson He teaches us is about relationships. And some of those relationships will bring you more pain than pleasure. Judas’ betrayal, painful as it was, was instrumental in bringing about history’s greatest event – the cross. Does that mean anybody and everybody can walk into your life and do what they want? No; their access to you is limited by the shield of God’s purpose. Some people bring comfort while others build character, and you need both.

The third lesson He teaches us is about “the yes zone.” “What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open” (Revelation 3:7 NIV). So whether God opens the door or shuts it, trust Him, follow Him, and say, “Yes, Lord,” because He loves you and has only the best in mind for you.

Soul food: Num 32:25-33:56; Matt 10:11-20; Ps 72:1-11; Prov 11:19-21

Does it glorify God?

When you’re about to do something and you’re not sure if you should, ask yourself, “Will doing this glorify God?” If you follow that rule, you won’t go wrong in life. Let’s get specific. If you earn your money honestly, then it’s yours to spend as you wish. Once you give God His portion, which begins at 10 percent, you get to choose what you will do with the rest.

However, your financial decisions have consequences that affect not only you but your family. When you go into debt you can’t repay, they suffer with you. So does your reputation with others. The question is not even can you afford it, but will it bring glory to God? Will He be pleased?

And how about your relationships? You’re single, lonely, and longing for companionship. So, you find someone you really like. Today when unchecked passion leads to sex before marriage, society doesn’t blink at it. But as a redeemed child of God, you are different. Jesus said we are in the world, but not of it. That means we live by a different set of rules: scriptural ones. Perhaps your partner will see your refusal of sexual intimacy as rejection. And they may even decide to leave you. What should you do? Ask yourself, “Will this glorify God? Will He be pleased?”

You say, “Pleasing God isn’t easy.” It never has been. And the Bible doesn’t say it will be. But if you want to live with joy, self-respect, confidence, and integrity, you have to choose the right path. And that’s the path which always brings glory to God.

Soul food: Num 30:1-32:24; Matt 10:1-10; Ps 67; Prov 11:16-18