Navigating life’s losses (4)

What else do our children need from us when they’re grieving?

(1) Our honesty. They need to know we’re hurting too. When they see you crying, but you tell them, “I’m all right,” they’re confused. They think either you’re not hurting, and tears don’t mean anything, or you’re not being real with them. They need to know the genuine you, so they can be real with you and trust you with their hurts.

(2) Our awareness of their feelings without overprotecting them. For them, as for you, “There is a time to weep… mourn… lose” (vv. 4, 6 NKJV). God has made all these experiences “appropriate in its time” (v.11 NAS). Don’t inhibit or invalidate their sadness, anger, and depression. It’s part of their God-given humanness, and will help them become balanced, compassionate adults.

(3) Sensitive listening. Kids learn and grow through loss when they have an open and understanding listener. Listen, then reflect their feelings. “Sounds like you’re angry. Want to talk about it?” Don’t analyze, ask! Listen with your eyes and ears. “Your words say you’re all right, but your eyes suggest you’re sad.”

(4) Permission to express negative emotions. Anger and resentment aimed at doctors, the system, family members, you, even God is normal! Don’t say, “You shouldn’t say such things.” Instead say, “Sounds like a real, honest expression of pain and disappointment. Want to talk more about it?” Expression detoxifies negative emotion.

(5) Inclusion in our grief rituals. Include them in family gatherings, funeral planning, and services, and they will find comfort in the validation, closure, and healing these times bring!

Soul food: Matt 14:22-33; 1 Kings 3:4-28

Navigating life’s losses (3)

How can we help our children navigate life’s losses?

(1) Don’t underestimate their capacity for grief. Children are often the “forgotten” grievers. Their pain is real and intense; recognize and validate it.

(2) Don’t avoid talking about the loss when they’re present. Excluding them from adults in mourning denies them the opportunity for support, and increased understanding about their loss. Include them in the family’s collective grief experience.

(3) Encourage them to share their feelings about the loss. Teach them that being “real” is more important than being “strong,” and confirm that their feelings matter. Very young children have limited understanding about the meaning, permanence, and irreversibility of death. They can only talk about it briefly and concretely. Older children understand its meaning and should be encouraged to talk about it.

(4) Make allowance for each child’s personality. Our personality determines our grieving style. Introverted children may need their own space; extroverted ones may need to be verbal and sociable. Dependent children need strong adults around them; independent ones can handle a lot on their own.

(5) Communicate realistically with them. Adults often use language that confuses children. “Your dad has gone home… fallen asleep… passed away… gone to his rest,” etc. Speaking of death as the end of this physical life is biblical, clarifies the significance of the loss, and allows children to ask questions that matter to them. Your children can handle loss, and they can understand that everlasting life is God’s great solution and one day we will join our loved ones in heaven (See John 14:2-3).

Soul food: Exo 1-3; Luke 11:45-54; Ps 53; Prov 6:9-11

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Researchers at the Colorado Institute of Grief offer us this helpful four-stage path to recovery.

Stage one – Shock. Our initial response is one of denial and disbelief. “I can’t believe this is happening… it’s not real!” There is a numbing of our senses, a God-designed natural “anesthesia” that buffers the early blow and allows us time to gather our coping mechanisms.

Stage two – Protest. We feel anger and resentment against God, yet we feel guilty for blaming Him. We may blame ourselves, the doctors, the patient, and question God’s love and faithfulness – even bargaining with Him. “If You will just do a miracle and bring them back, I will…”

Stage three – Disorganization. Everything comes apart at the seams. The lifestyle we knew and loved unravels. The dreams we cherished evaporate. We feel hopeless, powerless, lost in a strange, empty universe. Secondary losses may loom: financial insecurity, social dislocation, depression, loss of concentration, etc. We’re convinced that life will never be normal again. We survive moment to moment, afraid to anticipate the road ahead.

Stage four – Reorganization. Unrelenting grief gives way to waves of sadness varying in frequency and intensity. We begin to accept and accommodate our loss. The energy we expended on grief work becomes available again, enabling us to adjust to the demands and opportunities of our new lifestyle. Slowly we reemerge and take hold of the reins again. The process will take many months, and full recovery even years. But God promises it will come! There will be “a time to heal… build up… laugh… dance… gain!” (Ecclesiastes 3:3-4, 6 NKJV).

Soul food: 1 Thes 1-5; Luke 11:29-44; Ps 40:9-17; Prov 6:6-8

Navigating life’s losses (1)

God’s Word neither ignores nor minimizes the painful realities of life. Inevitably, we and our loved ones will experience life’s losses: illness, aging, death, divorce, disability, loss of independence, unemployment, financial reversals, etc. Today’s culture prepares us for gain, but not for loss; to dance, but not to mourn (See Ecclesiastes 3:4). Major losses throw us into unchartered territory. So, we need to understand the dynamics of our loss in order to help us through it and back to living again.

Life-changing loss begins with bereavement – the agony of feeling that something or someone indispensable to us has been ripped away, leaving us feeling robbed. Then comes grief – searing emotions of overwhelming sorrow that are often accompanied by anger, distress, confusion, and helplessness. Next, we move into the mourning stage – and begin to express our grief and loss. This is the “hard work” stage of tears, memories, and heartrending spasms of weeping that shake us to our very core. We feel guilt and remorse over what we have said or done or not said or done. And our heartache gives those around us opportunity to respond, offering the comfort and reassurance we need to begin healing. This is God’s protocol for healing broken hearts.

At 120, the Israelites’ beloved leader died – leaving behind him a grief-stricken nation (See Deuteronomy 34). And God allowed them thirty days to mourn their loss and to comfort one another before resuming the business of life. So take the time you need to do the work of mourning your losses because Jesus said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 KJV).

Soul food: Rom 15-16; Luke 11:14-28; Ps 40:1-8; Prov 6:1-5